6 Signs of Covert Narcissism in Relationships

How to detect covert narcissistic tendencies in your partner and how to deal with it…

· Do things seem off in your relationship but you cannot put your finger on it?

· Does your partner seem to be holding up an image in public but behind closed doors they change character?

· Do you find yourself frequently confused because you cannot get through to your partner?

· Do you frequently feel manipulated in your relationship?

Covert narcissism is difficult to detect in relationships because the covert narcissist is a master manipulator whose learned behavior it is to cover their abusive tracks for as long as long as the relationships provides them with what they need by using coercive control, gaslighting, and manipulation techniques.

You might find yourself in a long-term relationship with a seemingly loving partner until a creepy feeling of uneasiness starts crawling up your spine that something might be seriously off. It can take years to figure out that you are being subjected to small but frequent dosages of emotional abuse by a narcissist. Once you know, it can be extremely difficult to leave, especially if you find yourself in a cycle of co-dependency and emotional addiction.

There is a reason why many professionals call the covert narcissist the secret narcissist…

However, there are some tell-tale signs that can help you figure out whether your partner has covert narcissistic tendencies. Please be advised that full-on NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) can only be diagnosed by a professional. The behavioral observations below can give a good indicator whether your partner might be on the spectrum of narcissism, but it doesn’t substitute a professional diagnosis.

1. Lack of empathy

Do you get confused about your partner’s motive for empathy? Do they sometimes seem to care but at other times show complete disregard for your feelings and needs?

This could be a sign of narcissism. Especially high functioning and smart covert narcissists know how to display a certain amount of empathy at the right moment when it is socially expected. Sam Vaknin (2011), a diagnosed narcissists and PhD, calls this phenomenon “cold empathy” as it is not based on true compassion but an imitation thereof. A lack of empathy can also show itself in pointing out short-comings and mistakes, for example, after an unsuccessful job interview or accident. The narcissistic person might blame them and bring them down further rather than building them up in a positive way.

2. Self-Serving Behavior

Does your partner do things for themselves rather than for you or the relationship? Do they future-fake by making promises they never keep?

This could be the sign of a very selfish person but in connection with other signs, it could be another indicator for narcissism.

Sometimes your partner might pretend to do something nice for you but in reality, it serves them. Covert narcissists are masterminds at covering all their needs in one go. When they propose or give you an expensive gift, they might do so in front of a large audience so that it elevates their status. They might also manipulate you or others verbally into doing what they wanted to do all along with various communication techniques. It leaves one feeling slightly tricked but without a valid claim to cling to. Afterwards they might just reject accountability and put all the weight on you.

3. Invalidation

Does your partner constantly criticize you? Does it seem like whatever you do, it is never good enough?

Invalidation and criticism often happen behind closed doors in narcissistic relationships, but they can also happen in public if the partner is using the situation to one-up themselves and make themselves look good on the expense of others. This really chips away at your self-esteem. Some narcissists also use the withholding of communication or emotional and physical interaction as an invalidation technique to punish their partner for their feelings or the negative feelings they have unknowingly inflicted on them.

4. Enmeshment

Do they talk to family members on the phone every day? Do they insist on knowing all your friends?

People who are high on the narcissistic spectrum have a way to enmesh others in their lives or to enmesh themselves in other people’s lives. This can manifest itself in ways where the toxic partner is either extremely involved in the partner’s life or they require the partner to be very much involved in their family’s life to a point where one might even feel isolated from one’s own family and friends. Enmeshment with a narcissist usually starts early one during the “love-bombing” stage.

5. Coercive Control by Gaslighting

Does your partner twist facts around? Do they doubt your sanity and even tell you that you need to seek therapy?

There are obvious and less obvious signs of coercive control in abusive relationships with narcissists, such as jealousy and taking away the partner’s freedom. Covert narcissists will use the less obvious ones, such as gaslighting, subtle isolation, back handed put downs, and maybe the occasional name calling.

The most insidious and damaging covert coercive control is gaslighting. Gaslighting is a manipulative communication strategy to make someone else doubt their own reality in order to gain psychological control over them. One such example is that they will change their opinion about something on a dime and then pretend whatever they said or did just a minute ago was never said and will try to convince you that you heard wrong. Gaslighting is one of the trademarks of narcissists.

6. The Need for Admiration

Does your partner need a more than normal amount of admiration? Do they seek validation not just from you but others in excess?

Many narcissists need to constantly be praised for their achievements and looks or even for handling small daily tasks. Some might straight out tell you that they need to be told that they are amazing at least 10 times a day. Many high functioning covert narcissists will be in job positions where they have high authority. They might make a lot of money and live an above average lifestyle and expect to have that acknowledged by being treated better than others who they deem below them.

We all like to be told that we did well, that we look nice, or that people like a photo we post on social media, but the admiration true narcissists require goes deeper and beyond that. They do not just ask for special treatment, they require others to simply know that they are special to deserve that treatment.

Being frequently subjected to the above-mentioned treatments can seriously impact your mental and physical health over time. It is not uncommon for people who silently suffer in these relationships to develop chronic illnesses such as fibromyalgia, adrenal fatigue, or other psychosomatic symptoms that are difficult to treat. It also leaves emotional trauma behind that can build up to depression, anxiety, PNSD, and other mental health disorders (Thompson, 2017). Once you feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells to prevent drama in your relationship you should consider whether it is worth it to further investigate what is behind this icky feeling.

One option is to ask your partner to join couple’s therapy with you.

If they decline, you can opt for going into therapy yourself to shed more light on your situation.

You can also get educated on the topic and simply deal with your partner’s flaw and potential psychopathy. Find out what makes them tick and what makes them use their unhealthy coping mechanisms and try to avoid those eggshells. Stay rooted in your reality and see their crooked personality as a quirk rather than something that needs to be fixed. In most cases, it cannot be fixed as these traits are deeply rooted in their psyche. Stay strong.

Another option is to leave the relationship, of course. Often easier said than done but for many partners it is the healthy choice in the long run.

Stay safe out there and lots of hugs,

E

References

Lamothe, C. (2019). How to Recognize Coercive Control. Healthline. Retrieved https://www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control

Thompson, L. (2017). The Physical Effects of Narcissistic Abuse. Psych Central. Retrieved https://blogs.psychcentral.com/narcissism/2017/02/the-physical-effects-of-narcissistic-abuse/

Vaknin, S. (2011). Psychopathic Narcissists: The Uncanny Valley of Cold Empathy. Mental Health Matters. Retrieved https://mental-health-matters.com/psychopathic-narcissists-the-uncanny-valley-of-cold-empathy/