6 Signs You Are Dating a Master Manipulator
Seeing the signs of manipulation early in a relationship can save you nerves and heartache in the long-run…
We are all being manipulated every day through people, media, and our environment.
In fact, there are websites and workshops out there who teach men how to manipulate women into having sex on the first date and women how to trick rich men into giving them money, just to name the stereotypes.
Manipulative people know how to test you for your weak spots and then exploit them to get what they want. Some even consider this fun and exciting to see how far they can push the boundaries of the other person.
Getting caught up in the web of a master manipulator can cost you nerves and precious time in the long run. If the person you are seeing is trying to manipulate you from day one, there is little chance for a healthy long-term relationship because the inauthenticity will show over the time.
The fabricated house of cards will eventually break down leaving nothing but deceit and devastation behind. It can take a long time to break free from such an entanglement. Better not to get caught up in it to begin with.
Here are 6 plus 1 signs to watch out for when dating to detect manipulation:
1. They shower you with compliments…
We all like to hear that we look nice and that people appreciate our company. However, when the compliments get too personal too soon, something is off. If your potential date compliments you on your amazing personality, how smart and different they think you are, how much chemistry they feel with you without even having met you in person, this could be a serious warning sign.
They might be telling you what they think you want to hear to flatter you and create a false sense of bonding. Meeting online is common these days but real chemistry can only be assessed when meeting face to face.
2. They play the victim card…
Ever dated someone and they quickly told you all about their life's woes and misfortunes? How they were betrayed and life hasn’t dealt them a fair card? They might even tell you their family's sob story and get you entangled in their personal life way too quickly.
Think about it for a second: would you tell someone you barely know about your insecurities resulting from family issues?
Probably not. This leaves the question why another person might do exactly that and the answer is: they try to purposely evoke the emotion of pity in you and get your sympathy to give you a false feeling of bonding and appeal to your need to be understanding and empathic towads them.
3. Talking about ex-partners…
If they still talk about their ex, chances are they are not over it and you might be a re-bound. If they talk bad about most of their exes and even portray them as psychotic and mentally ill, you might really have a problem.
They either constantly pick the wrong partners or they might be the ones who are driving their partners to insanity. Both is not healthy and it indicates that they might not be emotionally mature and lack self-reflection skills.
Getting you involved in their previous relationship drama might be used to evoke sympathy in you. If it makes you feel uncomfortable when they talk about ex partners try setting some boundaries and change the topic.
If they regularly bring up multiple former partners even other potential dates that are currently pursuing them, they might use a tactic called triangulation to make themselves more interesting. This is done in a way to spark the competitor in you so you try harder to get with them, which makes them feel good. It is highly manipulative.
4. They move too fast…
First date they tell you they have never met anyone like you?
Second date they show up with an expensive gift?
Third date they tell you that you are soul mates and they (think) love you?
Fourth date they ask you what kind of engagement rings you like?
Fifth date they suggest you move in together?
WARNING! This person is trying to secure your attention quickly by feeding into all your dreams, needs, and expectations. The fantasy of the perfect love romance: you are the chosen one!
This is another form of flattery and manipulation to make you trust them, believe them, and fall for them. It puts them in the position of controlling you, your feelings, and the situation. Manipulators thrive on the feeling of power and control to have their needs met. Don't fall for it. Take it slow.
5. They need a lot of attention …
When we are first infatuated with someone our hormone levels are high and we want to forget about everything else and only be with that person. It is normal to feel that way. However, life doesn’t stop because you met someone special and you have to continue with everyday life eventually. If the new person in your life expects an excessive amount of attention it can become difficult. It might feel good but be suspicious if they:
-send you too many text messages
-expect you to respond immediately
-constantly want to know where you are and what you are doing
-want to see you all the time
It is unrealistic to expect anyone to always be there for them in the beginning of a relationship. It shows an increased level of self-importance, or a high level of insecurity, and a need to be in control.
6. They are mysterious…
-Is you date inconsistent in what he or she says to you?
-Do their actions not match their words?
-Do you sometimes wonder whether they are telling you the truth?
-Do they keep changing the times they want to meet you or cancel last minute?
-Do you feel like something is off but cannot put your finger on it?
Keeping you on your toes and subtly confused is a technique used to create an air of mystery around the person you are dating, which is supposed to hook you in. This tactic is actually used in psychological warfare to keep someone in a state of confusion, undermine their decision-making process, and thereby stay in control. It is a way of altering someone else’s reality to implement their own.
The person you are dating might refer to themselves as busy or very popular and then use this atmosphere to justify their cancelling on you while offering you another option to meet, which you are most likely to jump on. This is an insidious way to get someone hooked in a very disingenuous way and people do this ON PURPOSE. If you see the signs of this kind of mind manipulation in your partner or date, I urge you to just move on without wanting to solve the riddle…
Setting personal boundaries when you start dating someone new is always a good idea. Doing so sets a clear tone for the evolution of the relationship.
· If the person makes you feel uncomfortable, tell them calmly what it is that makes you feel iffy.
· If you don’t want to talk about a particular topic, redirect the conversation politely.
· Be clear and firm in your opinions and values and don’t be swayed away by superficial flattery.
If the other person has healthy respect for you, they will reflect and stop doing what they did to make the situation uncomfortable for both of you. If they react negatively and try to tell you that you are too sensitive and weird for setting boundaries, this is a good indicator that this person will not accept your personal space and opinion in the future.
People always have individual motives for acting the way they act and it doesn’t have to be malicious of course. It is up to you to see the signs and then follow up to decide whether this person is in fact manipulating you.
Maybe you do have a lot of things in common and like talking about it openly very quickly, or maybe you do have similar ways of talking, or identical values and expectations.
Everybody deserves the benefit of doubt. However, being aware of the red flags and early warning signs can help you to feel more grounded in the reality that unfolds for you when letting a new person into your life and to make healthy choices for yourself for the long-run.
Stay safe out there!
Lots of hugs,
E
