Helping a Loved one heal from Narcissism and Emotional Abuse
How to deal with the shock and anxiety and understand how to help them cope towards healing…
One of the most devastating things following the discard by a narcissist or leaving them is the lack of understanding by those around you for the state of mind that you are in. Especially covert abuse by narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths is not easily visible for people looking in from the outside.
The support system of the abused might find it difficult to comprehend the experience and oftentimes invalidates the feelings and reality of the situation for the abused person. This kind of reaction might re-traumatize the abused person but it is also somewhat understandable: how can we expect people around us to understand and acknowledge something so cruel that we ourselves did not see and realize for such a long time?
Most often friends and relatives will ask the emotionally suffering loved one the following questions and thereby pushing them back in the terror and helplessness that was instilled into them during the relationship:
· Why don’t you just leave?
· He/she is not physically violent, so how bad can it be?
· It is your choice to stay…
· I am sure he/she did not mean it the way you perceived it!
· He/she is such a nice person, you are making this up!
· You are crazy!
The Aftershock
Most people have little comprehension of the aftershock that comes from realizing that one was actually abused and manipulated for months, years, or maybe a lifetime. PNSD (post narcissism stress disorder) is real.
It is not as easy as moving on and forward with your life. Not by a long shot. Shock and trauma get stored in your body over years as described by Bessel van der Kolk in his book The Body Keeps the Score (2014), one of the leading books on trauma healing. Because this is what it is: emotional trauma.
Now, understanding what has happened to your loved one and why a break up from a narcissist or waking up to emotional and psychological abuse is so very different than a normal detachment is key for you to be helpful to the person who got out and is in need of healing.
The Non-Sense
Try to understand and accept their point of view. It is likely that the abusive person paints a completely different picture of the situation than the abused. Do not invalidate the person in pain of their version of the story. Understand that there is a lot of craziness going on in narcissistic relationships and toxic dynamics that cannot be fathomed by outsiders. The abuse usually goes on exclusively behind closed doors in order to maintain an image to the outside!
From my own experience, once I started talking about some of the things that went on in my relationship, I realized how crazy it all sounded and yet, it had happened that way. My aftershock came when it sank it in that I had subjected myself to this rollercoaster for so many years and had greatly contributed to it, too.
I blamed myself to a point where I felt the toxicity inside of me rising and started to develop physical pain following emotional anxious outbursts that I was trying to control whenever I was faced with situations or triggers concerning my toxic relationship and previous partner. Believe me, it can be truly absurd what goes on in these kinds of relationships.
Try to understand that everything about toxic relationships and the aftermath is out of the norm. Your loved one probably feels a tremendous amount of guilt and might behave in erratic ways at times, cry a lot, and talk about the same things over and over.
It is extremely difficult to make sense out of the non-sense that happens in emotional abuse and there is a lot of cognitive dissonance involved.
Saul McLeod (2018) explains it as a situation involving conflicting attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors that produce a feeling of mental discomfort leading to an alteration in attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors to reduce the discomfort and restore balance.
It sounds logical but trying to make logic sense out of an illogical situation is anything but fun for the brain, especially when it threatens your entire existence in a state of hypervigilence.
Helpful Tips
Here are some bullet points for you to check if you are trying to help a person heal from this insidious kind of abuse:
· Do not judge or ridicule what they experienced.
· Stay calm when they get anxious.
· Hear them out and give advice when asked.
· Show love and understanding for their fragile state.
· Guide them through the crisis quietly and gently without attachment or control over the outcome you want for them.
· Point out their strength and progress rather than set backs.
· Do not involve them into a personal conflict. In a hypervigilant state, the person has no capacity to deal with anything else but the survival mode they are in.
· Do not triangulate them with others, especially not the person who they feel abused by.
· If it gets too much for you, set boundaries kindly.
· Get educated on the topic and terminology of emotional abuse, such as Stockholm syndrome, gaslighting, triangulation, narcissism, discard, hoover, future faking, co-dependency, and silent treatment. There are some great books out there that can give comprehensive insights, such as the book Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie.
The Addiction
According to Melanie Tonia Evans (2019), a pioneer in narcissistic and emotional abuse recovery, the brain suffers a peptide addiction caused by psychological abuse, which can only be compared to a heroin addiction that comes with all the gruesome withdrawal effects.
One becomes addicted to the fluctuating ups and downs of the entanglement; the brain runs on massive amounts of cortisol and will cause the person who suffers to behave in ways that might be atypical.
Understand that this kind of withdrawal follows the initial high of leaving the situation, which can be confusing as well. This is a person in emotional crisis — even when they try to keep it together, they might have a hard time acting normal in the secondary phase.
The aftershock is also the time when your loved one is most likely to go back into the abusive situation as this is what their brain and reward system is trained to do to alleviate the emotional and psychological pain they are experiencing during withdrawal. This is a critical situation, but you can only help as much as you can, in the end your loved one has to make their own decisions.
Stay kind and gentle with them in this difficult time and try to understand the emotional pain they are in but do remind them of reality happening around them. If you notice they start sabotaging themselves, could lose their jobs, or other kinds of anti-social behavior, step in gently and try to put them back on the right path.
Oftentimes, people who come out of abusive situations experience debilitating brain fog due to the chemical imbalance and might act in destructive ways. Take charge if the situation calls for it without being overly controlling is my best advice for you.
The Healing
Generally speaking, being on the healing path from emotional and psychological abuse is an extremely confusing and difficult path, especially if you did not choose to walk down that path and had no idea what to expect.
Most people who come out of this kind of experience will refer to it as the hardest time of their lives, their awakening, or their ultimate downfall if they choose to stay in victim mode. Your entire life’s plans change while the fog inside the brain allows for no clear vision and choices to be made.
It is as contradictory as the toxic and narcissistic relationship is itself. The shock that follows the realization of emotional betrayal is intense, for many it is like waking up to the truth of living a lie, living in a dream world, and having been manipulated into it. This is a huge wakeup call and it will have a positive outcome for the person who is ready to learn and grow from this.
Your loved one is lucky to have you in their life to help them on this path to not come out as a victim but a happy, healthy person rising like a phoenix from the ashes!
References
Evans, M.T. (2019). The answer to narcissistic abuse no one is talking about — Peptide Addiction. Retrieved: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-answer-to-narcissistic-abuse-that-no-is-talking-about-peptide-addiction/
MacKenzie, J. (2015). Psychopath Free. New York, NY: Penguin Random House.
McLeod, S. (2018). Cognitive Dissonance. Simply Psychology. Retrieved: https://www.simplypsychology.org/cognitive-dissonance.html#:~:text=Cognitive%20dissonance%20refers%20to%20a,the%20discomfort%20and%20restore%20balance.
